Are you living your best life?

If you were to evaluate the life you’re living, what would it say about you?

What actually matters to you? Have you been impactful? Have you studied what felt meaningful? Are you building a career that feels like yours? Have you made the kind of money that gives you both comfort and freedom? Have you created a home, a life, a sense of stability?

And then the more intimate questions begin to surface. Have you loved deeply? Have you allowed yourself to be loved? Have you experienced the kind of connection, emotional, physical, and spiritual, that you once imagined for yourself? And, perhaps most confronting of all, was it worth it?

Are you, truly, living your best life?

We often assume the ingredients of a good life are found in achievement, experience, and accumulation. These things do shape identity, create stories, and offer a sense of progress. But as life unfolds, something begins to shift.

The older we get, the more a quieter truth emerges: health is wealth.

Not just physical health, but emotional, relational, and psychological wellbeing. In the clinical space, this shift becomes increasingly visible. Conversations are no longer only about ambition or potential, but about aging, decline, and the weight of caregiving. Parents who once carried everything are now the ones needing to be held.

This brings us to a deeper reflection on generations.

The so-called silent generation, those who paved the way, carried families, and made sacrifices that shaped entire futures, often did so without the language of emotional expression. They were not equipped to explore their inner worlds, to express desire freely, or to make decisions based on personal wants. They carried responsibility, deep and unwavering. Failure was not an option. There was too much at stake.

But with that level of responsibility comes a question we are only now beginning to ask. What was the cost?

What happens to a nervous system that learns to prioritise duty over feeling? What happens to a person when emotions are consistently suppressed in favour of survival, stability, and expectation?

Many in that generation did what they had to do. They endured. They provided. They succeeded by the standards available to them. But often, they did so by burying parts of themselves.

And then come their children.

A generation raised by people who loved deeply but did not always have the tools to express that love in emotionally attuned ways. What is inherited in that space is complex. There is resilience, but also emotional silence. There is strength, but sometimes disconnection. There is provision, but not always presence.

Now, newer generations are turning toward something different. They are asking themselves how they feel, what they want, and what a healthy life actually looks like. They are prioritising mental health, boundaries, and self-awareness, sometimes in ways that challenge everything that came before.

So we arrive back at the question. What does it mean to live your best life?

Is it achievement? Is it freedom? Is it connection? Is it health? Or is it the ability to live a life where your body is not in constant survival, where your emotions have space to exist, where your relationships feel safe and real, and where your choices reflect who you truly are?

Maybe the real best life is not about having everything. Maybe it is about not having to abandon yourself in the process of living it.

From here, another question begins to take shape.

How do we now care for those who came before us?

How do we hold the silent generation at this stage of life in a way that lets them know they are loved, they are worthy, they matter, and that what they have done, and who they have been, still holds meaning?

This is not a simple or idealistic question.

Because the truth is, not all parent–child relationships are easy. Not all are warm. Not all are safe. For many, the relationship has always been complicated, marked by distance, misunderstanding, or emotional absence. In some cases, the loss did not begin with death. It began years earlier, in what was never said, never felt, never repaired.

So this cannot be approached with rose-tinted thinking. Care, in this context, has to be honest.

To care for this generation is not always to feel close. Sometimes, it is simply to choose presence where you can. It might be sitting beside them, even in silence, or listening to the same stories repeated over and over again. What may feel repetitive can be their way of holding onto identity, making sense of their life, or simply staying connected.

Care does not always have to be grand or emotionally expressive. For this generation especially, love is often understood through consistency, through time given, through practical support. Sometimes, being able to hold steady, to tolerate the discomfort, the slowness, even the emotional distance, is enough.

There is also something quieter and perhaps more profound. To care for them is to begin to see them as people, not just as parents. People who carried burdens we may never fully understand, who made choices within the limits of their time, and who lived lives shaped by duty, not always by desire.

This does not erase the impact they may have had. It does not dismiss hurt. It does not require a rewriting of one’s own experience. But it can allow space for a different kind of holding, one that is boundaried, but humane.

Maybe care, at this stage, is not about fixing the relationship. Maybe it is about asking what is possible here, now, and meeting that honestly.

Because in the end, being able to sit with them, to listen, to remain, even in small ways, might be one of the most meaningful forms of love we can offer.

Warmly

Jules

Seven Years Later.. What are you prepared to burn?

By Julie Githiri

After the quiet realisation that COVID 19 was not three years ago but nearly seven, have you paused to ask yourself what you have actually built, shifted, or become since then?

Seven years.

It feels both like yesterday and another lifetime.

That period forced us into something few of us were prepared for: collective upheaval. Loss sat at our tables. Fear became a daily companion. The illusion of control dissolved almost overnight.

It was all on the menu.

Our mental health absorbed the impact. Anxiety normalised itself. Depression disguised itself as fatigue. Relationships, romantic, familial, even friendships were placed under a magnifying glass. Some cracked under pressure during lockdown. Others survived, only to quietly unravel later. Proximity does not always equal intimacy. And survival does not always mean growth.

Seven years is often culturally referenced as the “itch” period. The point at which comfort turns to restlessness. Where familiarity begins to feel restrictive. Where the question forms, is this it?

So, what is your itch this year?

Is it your career? The role that once felt prestigious but now feels performative?
Is it your body neglected, overworked, uncelebrated?
Is it the relationship you are maintaining out of loyalty rather than vitality?
Is it the version of yourself you’ve outgrown?

Everything feels up for evaluation.

In many African and diasporic cultures, endurance is praised. Stability is admired. Respectability is currency. We are taught to maintain marriages, reputations, roles even when something inside us quietly withers.

But what if maintenance is not the same as alignment?

What if this season is asking you not to preserve but to reassess?

There is a provocative line from the film Outlast: “Let it burn. Burn the whole thing down.”

It sounds reckless. Dramatic. Dangerous.

But sometimes burning is not destruction… it is transformation.

Forest fires, while devastating, create fertile ground for regeneration. Old growth makes space for new life. What if some parts of your life are not meant to be sustained, but surrendered?

What do you have to lose?

That question is confronting. Because often what we have to lose is not the relationship, the job, or the status, it is identity.

Maybe the real discomfort of the last seven years is not what happened externally, but what surfaced internally.

Maybe you discovered that you no longer like the version of yourself you became in order to cope.

Or perhaps more painfully, you realised who you never allowed yourself to become at all.

That realisation can sting, like a mwiko (wooden spoon) striking across wet legs. Sharp. Immediate. Unavoidable. It jolts you awake.

But jolts are not punishments. They are invitations.

Starting again, however, is terrifying.

Especially if you are someone who prides yourself on being composed. In control. Strategic. The dependable one.

Let’s talk about control.

For many high-functioning adults particularly those raised in environments where uncertainty was unsafe, control feels like protection. If you decide how, when, and where something unfolds, you reduce risk. You minimise chaos.

Right?

Actually …not quite.

Control can also be a sophisticated form of fear.

Fear of vulnerability.
Fear of failure.
Fear of visibility.
Fear of needing something that may not be reciprocated.

The pandemic taught us something uncomfortable: control is often an illusion.

We could not control infection rates. We could not control economic shifts. We could not control how others responded to stress. What we could control sometimes barely, was our own response.

And even that felt fragile.

So perhaps the real growth of the last seven years is not about what you achieved promotions, partnerships, property, but about how you adapted.

Did you harden?
Did you soften?
Did you numb?
Did you awaken?

For some of you reading this, the idea of “burning it down” feels liberating. For others, it feels irresponsible. Especially within cultural frameworks where family expectations, communal identity, and generational sacrifice are deeply woven into decision-making.

The tension between personal freedom and collective responsibility is real.

But growth does not always require demolition.

Sometimes it requires truth.

Truth about what no longer fits.
Truth about what you desire.
Truth about the ways you have abandoned yourself in order to belong.

The seven-year itch is not always about leaving. It is about examining.

Maybe your itch is not your partner but your unexpressed needs.
Maybe it is not your job but your underused talent.
Maybe it is not your body but your relationship to it.

Maybe the thing that needs to “burn” is not your life, but the narrative you have been living inside.

Letting go of control does not mean recklessness. It means recalibration.

It means trusting that uncertainty is not inherently dangerous.

It means allowing yourself to become someone slightly unfamiliar.

And yes that can feel destabilising.

But it can also feel alive.

Seven years ago, the world shifted without asking our permission.

This time, perhaps, you get to choose the shift.

So as you stand in this post-pandemic landscape, ask yourself not just what you have achieved but who you have become.

And more importantly who you are ready to be.

Because sometimes things do need to burn.

Not to destroy you.

But to reveal you.

Warmly 

Jules

Oscillation: When Love Doesn’t Land

By Julie Githiri

Can it be as simple as incompatibility?

Attraction might be there.
Sexual chemistry might hum beneath the surface.
The body responds. The eyes linger. The conversation flows.

And yet there is something.

Something unnamed.
Something that does not fully settle in the nervous system.
A quiet internal knowing: this isn’t it.

They are not the person you instinctively want to be fully vulnerable with. Not the one you feel safe unravelling beside. Not the one you trust with your softer edges sexually or emotionally.

In many cultures particularly within African and diasporic communities’ compatibility is often measured through visible markers: family background, faith, education, reputation, culture, profession. Attraction may be secondary. Stability is prioritised. Endurance is admired.

But the body has its own criteria.

As a Psychosexual therapist, I often see the gap between external compatibility and internal safety. Two people may look perfect on paper. They may even perform intimacy well sexually fluent, attentive, responsive.

But sex without emotional safety eventually exposes the fracture.

Because sexual intimacy is not just a physical act. It is psychological exposure.

When you are sexually naked, you are not only offering your body. You are offering history. You are offering attachment style. You are offering the blueprint of how you learned to give and receive love.

And sometimes, even when desire is present, the deeper nervous system does not feel safe enough to attach.

We mistake arousal for alignment.

But arousal is chemistry.
Attachment is regulation.

One can exist without the other.

In clinical work, I see how early exposure shapes adult choice. If love in childhood was inconsistent, intrusive, emotionally unavailable, or overly conditional, the adult self may equate intensity with intimacy.

So, what feels like “chemistry” may actually be familiarity.

The nervous system says, I know this pattern.
Not, I am safe here.

And so, we enter connections that feel magnetic but destabilising. The sex may be passionate. The longing intense. But underneath, there is a subtle contraction a reluctance to fully rest.

That contraction matters.

Especially when the heart is ready. When you genuinely desire a relationship rooted in trust, respect, and integrity. When you are not seeking drama, but depth.

In that season, the body becomes more discerning.

You begin to notice:

Do I feel calm after intimacy or anxious?
Do I feel expanded or slightly diminished?
Do I feel chosen or tolerated?
Do I feel met or managed?

In many African family systems, vulnerability is not always modelled openly. Emotional literacy may be limited. Children learn resilience, responsibility, strength but not always attunement. Not always repair. Not always emotional transparency.

So as adults, we may know how to commit.
We may know how to endure.
But do we know how to feel safe being fully seen?

Sometimes what doesn’t land is not a failure of compatibility it is a misalignment of emotional capacity.

One person may be ready to build securely. The other may still be negotiating their relationship with vulnerability. One may want exclusivity; the other may want admiration. One may be sexually open; the other emotionally guarded.

And the body knows.

It knows when touch feels connecting versus consuming.
It knows when desire feels mutual versus performative.
It knows when you are slowly abandoning yourself in order to maintain the connection.

Not every attraction deserves access to your body.
Not every chemistry deserves attachment.

And not every relationship that ends was a mistake.

Some were lessons in discernment.

The deeper question becomes:

What was I exposed to that now guides my decision to let love land?

Was affection freely given or earned?
Was conflict safe or explosive?
Was closeness nurturing or overwhelming?

Because your adult sexuality is not separate from your childhood attachment. They are intricately linked.

The partners you feel drawn to.
The ones you hesitate with.
The ones you desire but do not trust.

These patterns are rarely random.

Incompatibility is real. Timing is real. Emotional readiness is real.

But so is self-awareness.

When love truly lands, it does not require you to override your intuition. It does not demand you shrink, perform, or prove.

It feels steady.
Grounded.
Unforced.

Not perfect but emotionally coherent.

And perhaps that is the quiet distinction between a love that excites… and a love that endures.

With warmth

Jules

when loves arrives at the wrong time

There is a particular kind of love that does not announce itself loudly.

It arrives mid-life. Mid-vow. Mid-responsibility.It arrives when the architecture of one’s life is already built.And yet something in the body recognises it.As a psychotherapist, I have learned that attachment does not always respect timing.

The nervous system does not consult legal contracts. It responds to safety, resonance, attunement.And as a woman, I have come to understand how destabilising and illuminating that can be.

We like love stories clean.

Morally simple.

Socially sanctioned.

But real life rarely offers such symmetry.In many cultures, we are taught that love must follow order:

meet

marry 

build.  

When it does not, we reach for shame before we reach for understanding.Yet what if some loves are not interruptions but awakenings?

Awakenings are seemingly uninvited.

They arrive like a forehead kiss, tender lips on a cold winter’s day, welcome, warm, hungry for connection.An awakening consumes your daily thoughts, filling them with stories of new beginnings.

A new friendship that lands on solid ground, ready to skip and bound toward future promise.

Love questions your emotions.

Love questions your stability.

Love simply loves.

What if this new space, this uncharted map, has no path?To step in without a map can feel terrifying.An uncertainty that touches your heartbeat, captures your breath, and weighs heavy with anticipation.

But this pace, this hunger for love, comes from a void that is also a vessel a space waiting to be filled with attention, tenderness, and recognition.

To awaken is to step into both wonder and fear, to meet the unknown with curiosity, and to allow yourself to feel fully even when the future is unclear.

It is in this uncharted space that growth happens.

It is here that love teaches, challenges, and transforms.

with warmth

Jules

Hello world!

My journey to writing has been a bumpy one,  marked by multiple stop-starts, long silences, and quiet returns.

It began in childhood, with an overly creative imagination and a tendency to drift into inner worlds. Words became companions early on. Poetry followed soon after, especially in the throes of early teenage love, when everything felt heightened, dramatic, and tender.

Life, as it does, moved forward.

There were decades of study. Professional training. Clinical rooms. Real stories. Real people. Real consequences. The romantic intensity of youth gave way to the layered realities of adulthood.

And yet — the instinct to write never disappeared.

It simply waited.

Now, with experience under my belt, with professional depth and lived understanding, it feels time to return to the page — not as the girl in love with love, but as the woman and professional who understands its complexity.

This is not a beginning from scratch.
It is a continuation.

A returning.

And perhaps, finally, a settling into voice.